Category Archives: Joy

The most grievous loss in life is the loss of our feelings.

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I was so happy on my wedding day. That joy disappeared for 25 years. Little did I know that it was even gone. I went through the motions of living, but my heart and soul were dead. Living in denial and numbness can go on without even knowing it. Life just seems  mundane and routine. No highs or lows, just  a low level of depression. When that goes on long enough the grief takes on a life of its own. I am so grateful I found a way to grieve and now offer that service to others.

Endings and Beginnings

Endings and Beginnings

A few months ago  in February I was in my office at my computer working when I got a Face time call from my brother, Larry. We had a lovely visit and in closing he said, “Excuse me, I have to go now. Pauline I love you.” I leaned back from my computer screen, somewhat shocked at his bold declaration. I grinned and said, “Thank you, I love you too.

Two weeks later I got a call from my other brother, Stan, informing me that Larry had laid down for a nap in the afternoon and never woke up. A family friend commented: “He went to bed in his home and woke up in heaven.”

I smiled when I remembered our last conversation and how we were able to express our love for each other and say goodbye.

Six months later on August 5th I hosted a farewell dinner at for my oldest granddaughter who is moving into her own apartment in southern California with 3 girlfriends on her 22nd birthday.

We had a lovely visit and a friend came over to share some wisdom she had gained when relocating. The party ended at 9 pm and Lexi, and her sister Sadie left. I was surprised that I didn’t cry when I hugged Lexi longer than usual thinking “I have to remember how she feels.”

The next day the sobs came as all the goodbyes of the past came tumbling forward into my present. I remembered telling my daughter goodbye in September of 1987 as I drove away with a U-Haul in tow headed to California for my new job. So many goodbyes in my past and probably so many in my future.

Saying goodbye is an opportunity – to close one chapter of our life and open up a new one – to fill the void left when life forces us to say one more goodbye.

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Changes in 2017

The sun is setting on another year. After a whole year of looking I finally found a home I wanted to purchase. I moved at the end of October and am getting settled as a “first time” home owner in Northern California. I almost waited too long to make this move.

It’s certain that the New Year (2017) will bring change. Many people in my beloved state of California were  shocked by the election results.  California is known as a “blue” state.  Many people around me are fearful, angry,  and despairing. Having lived through a few major political changes in our country has taught me to not get too attached to any particular result. Many of us have lived long enough to know change is inevitable, but we forget. We are drawn to certainty. We feel safe when we know what the future holds.

However, I grow spiritually when I face uncertainty. In the midst of change  I can expand to learn more tolerance, patience and kindness toward people who have different ideas  and values..

I also abide by a deep faith in the benevolence of the universe. I called that benevolence “God”. It has been clear to me so many times that in the long run, there is something good about change.

So many of my spiritual books discuss the value of “living with uncertainty”. The minute I think I know something for sure, I’m often shown that what I think I know is just not so. It makes for a life of flexibility, tolerance and a deepening of respect for the process of how long it takes for human beings to grow and change and the difficulties we must face to adopt new ways of being.

As the teachings of Abraham and the 12 Step Recovery programs have taught me, we came here (into this earth existence)  to expand and along this journey of expansion, we take many steps, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly but in each step, we are looking for expansion.

My favorite prayer these days is “God, help me set aside everything I think I know for an open mind and a new experience.” It gets me through a lot of days with more joy and less fear.

Blessings to you for continued growth, expansion and opportunities to practice patience, tolerance, kindness and love toward all beings.  There  will be changes in  2017 and my belief is that we will all grow as a result of the changes. I must believe “All is well”.

Six days of silence = peace of mind

Mother's Day card from my granddaughter, Sadie. Handmade. (c)2016

My Mother’s Day card from Sadie, my granddaughter. She designed it by hand.

In January of this year, I signed up for a  6-Day Vipassana Residential Retreat at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, CA.  After my big trip to Italy and my 70th birthday in October, I longed for a chance to submerge myself in silence and mindfulness practice – to integrate the experiences of my 70th year.

The first day of the retreat  I cried all day; the second day I was angry. The third day I had the feeling of being held in the palm of God’s hand and sank into that blissful feeling. By the fourth day, my mind was already preparing to leave and return to my life. Poor mind, so restless and agitated.

All the details of daily living were taken care of by volunteers. Delicious vegetarian meals were prepared and served at the same  time each day. All we had to do was show up in the meditation hall for our  sitting meditation practice. I wasn’t accustomed to sitting for 1 hour. My daily practice at home is only 30 minutes once a day. When I go to a meditation group, we usually sit for 45 minutes. So 1 hour of sitting was challenging, to say the least. My back complained but I discovered that if I wore a blindfold, I was able to sit without squirming so much. Seeing 85 other people in the hall, not moving a muscle for 60 minutes helped me to do so.

In those 6 days I witnessed my “wild restless mind”  which is forever making a to-do list and looking for problems to solve. It was exhausting to experience this over and over. I kept telling my mind, “Just calm down and relax, you will not disappear if you don’t have a ‘to do’ list for a few days.” I realized how much of my life and energy is consumed with being a problem-solver both for myself and others. At the retreat, I attempted to take a “leave of absence” from that job for just 6 days. Poor mind does not give up easily.

Yet, by the end of the week, I was filled with joy and happiness. In the weeks since I returned I’ve done my best to maintain that state. Sometimes I’m successful, but sometimes I slip back into the old ways. It was a week of practice and what I’ve learned is that that practice can be continued in my daily life if I make it a priority. But I must keep in mind that practice doesn’t = perfection. That’s not possible in this human realm. What is possible is being content with imperfection and impermanence. So grateful for the teaching of  the Vipassana Residential Retreat at